Finding You.

It wasn’t supposed to be easy. Nobody promised that to you….but they did tell you that when you were blessed enough to find it to never let go. That it would be the best feeling you have ever known. They were so right.

I hope to never let this go, to let him go, to never lose the amount of love I feel in this very moment. He takes me to higher places. He is the love I prayed for, he is the exact man I prayed for and even more.  I never saw it coming and I definitely didnt go searching for it, in fact I gave up on that thought so long ago. Where did you come from my sweet love? What did i do to deserve this? Putting what my heart feels into words right now seems almost impossible. I don’t feel as if there are even words big enough to describe it.

I could have ran from it, it was actually my first thought to do exactly that and now here it is right in front of me. It’s mine. I want to close the whole world off and just look at him for an hour or two. It isn’t perfect, the love we have, its ugly sometimes. It isnt sweet red roses on the bed and sunny days, but it’s real. That right there is enough. I want to shelter it and protect it. I want to capture every easy day and pull through every storm of hardship. I want to lay next to him every night and trust that he wont hurt me or leave, and God willing I hope he does the same. I want to be his someone.

That’s your fairy tale. This is your castle.
Now move in. Build a home. Build a house. Build a safety around things you love.
It’s yours if you make it so.

“Welcome home, sweet girl, it will be all be fine.”

 

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VESSEL

THE VESSEL

I want this ship to take me somewhere my heart can breathe.

Somewhere alone is okay because I am never fully alone with him by my side.

I want to go where the sun heals me, takes everything bad as it kisses my skin.

But at night the stars show me it’s okay to dream and make a thousand wishes that might not come true. I’m okay with that.

Take me to the place where I learn to love every being of myself.

Take me to the place where I feel everything and appreciate it.

Take me as I am and when you take me back home please let me be a new deserving, hopeful, healed person.

Let this vessel love me and show me how to love…not one single thing, but EVERYTHING.

Small steps everyday.

“Perhaps we should love ourselves so fiercely, that when others see us they will know exactly how its done” -Rudy Fransisco

It is so hard to express the amount of love I have found in myself over the years. What a crazy and emotional ride it has been. How much I have overcome, how much time I spent in hot baths crying or just trying to figure out how to love me and move on from trials I’ve faced. My faith is so big. My heart is so big. I am way too blessed to not stay positive and keep my pretty little head up.

That being said, I got out of bed this morning made a pot of coffee, turned on a hilarious old lady show that I completely fell in love with and immediately felt so at peace and so loved. Not by some guy but by my hot mess self. That was a good feeling. An undeniably great feeling.

To Wake Up Powerful

I wanted to climb out of bed with hope and determination. I wanted to wake up feeling so powerful, full of life. Instead I got the opposite. I felt like I crawled out of bed. Got to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for what felt like five minutes, just standing there. I can’t even tell you what I was thinking of, just stood there. That saying it comes and go in waves, and tonight I feel like I’m drowning still applies. Today I am drowning. Not because I’m choosing to, but I can’t seem to bring my head up for air not one single breath of relief. I want to tell you how badly I miss you but I know your words will be cold and bitter and I’m not ready to hear them. Then I want to tell you I hate you but it isn’t true. I only hate how you broke me even more and left without a word of closure. I still see you in all things I do. When I dream, when I’m awake, when I smell a certain scent, when I drink, listen to a song. How did I become this way?  I am so strong and so loving and right now I am neither of those things. Not even close. Some days I forget about you for a little while and just like that, it’s back. Every thought, every action. YOU STILL CONSUME MY EVERY BEING. How is that possible?? I want to talk to someone else, they come and go but they aren’t you. And when I try to make the memory of you fade by kissing a perfect stranger I close my deep green eyes and I still see you, I feel you, I even smell you… but then I open them and it isn’t you. That’s the worst feeling. It isn’t going to bed alone and waking up reaching for you when you aren’t there. Or going out with the girls and only thinking of you, looking around to see girls with a man who spins her around and kisses her, holds her hand as they leave, opens the car door. None of those are the worst. The worst is trying and begging my mind to let go of you and not being able to do so. I feel as if I’m replacing you, like if I let the memories I have of you go i’ll never be the same. I’ll never see you again. Some days that’s all I want and others the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach and I can’t breathe.  I have never felt like this, been so broken and confused. I want to run back in time, God I wish I could. I would make it better, I would make you stay if that was an option. I would have fought harder. That’s the wrong thing to say I know. At this point most people would say they would take it all back and wish it never happened but not me. I would have you back. To stay here with me. Right now. To never know what it’s like to lose you. Keep you by my side forever. How pitiful does that sound? What happened to me? I don’t mean to be this way. I promise I don’t. But right now it’s 11:59AM and this is what I feel like.  You have once again ruined another one of my days and I can’t even keep track of how many days this has happened. I pray to be better and get over it and then I pray that you’ll come back right after. I might just be losing my mind at this point. I’m rambling now, the words aren’t flowing as well because I can’t think straight. I NEED TO BE BETTER NOW.

I WILL BE OKAY. I WILL BE OKAY. I WILL BE OKAY. I WILL BE OKAY.

PLEASE BE OKAY. PLEASE FEEL BETTER. PLEASE BE STRONGER.

Letting My Heart Heal means letting you go

“Let your mind and heart rest for a while. You will catch up, the world will not stop spinning for you, but you will catch up. Take a rest”

We as women give so much of ourselves to someone. Funny how you think you are so strong and independent and nobody, I mean nobody can take that away from you! Until they do. Not so funny anymore. Not so strong anymore. Not so independent anymore. How did you lose that confidence girl? How did you let him take so much from you?

I will tell you how I did… So many things I was grateful for about that man. He didn’t make me feel sadness, or anger, or regret. He was a certain kind of special, the kind you don’t come across very often. The kind that always takes your breath away in the best way possible. The kind that makes you feel like a kid again from the tickles that make you laugh till you cry. The kind that would look at you as if he would never see your face again, as if he wanted to remember ever detail. The kind who teased you because he knew it drove you crazy but in the end made you smile. The kind that acted like a complete idiot with you because he was comfortable and knew you did the same.

Maybe you thought he was different. Maybe you thought he would be the one to love you till time ran out. Just maybe you thought he would be your best friend forever.. when the old you never thought that existed. He made it seem so real. How did it feel to have your heart in the clouds?

Remember that feeling, now and forever. Because in that moment you were so loved and so alive.

I’m sorry that was taken from me, I’m sorry if it was taken from you. I’m so sorry he left you to dwell in those feelings and decided he didn’t want to fight for you. That my friend is heartbreak. It isn’t fair. It hurts so bad. It will change you. Some ways so badly, some ways good.

“Your arms felt like home to me….. I’m homesick”

So, Where do I go from here? How am I supposed to pick myself up and make my heart heal? It’s like a movie on replay in my head. Starts so well and then I’m reminded of the terrible ending. What a stupid movie. What a stupid guy.

At the end of the day I know I can and I will. But to say I will ever find that again and be able to let them in… that’s the part that terrifies me.

“She made broken look beautiful, strong look invincible. She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings”

Loving me to love you…

If I have learned anything, it is so hard to be with someone when you haven’t even figured out how to love yourself. Not just the kind of physical love with yourself though, it is so much bigger and deeper than just that.

I used to be engaged, so in love with someone till it destroyed me. I had to learn who I was without someone, how to live in a world where he wasn’t. How to be alone and love ME. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Somebody once said

“Everything in your life flows from your relationship to yourself. Learn to treat yourself like someone worthy of love, respect, and compassion, and your life will flow more effortlessly, abundantly, and joyfully than you can imagine”

Shit. Just put me in my feels. How true, took me so long to realize this and make it happen. Negativity is the killer. When something bad happens or someone who once promised you so many things, walks the fuck away it can make loving yourself and staying positive one of the most distant thoughts on the planet.

Let me start with this… You let that someone leave, better yet open the fucking door for them and lock it on the way out! If it was so easy for them leave you after everything, you get yourself off of that floor and LOVE yourself. Them coming back won’t do that for you. Everything you choose to do in life reflects you. Be better. Smile more. Love more. Take the hottest bath in history  with one of those dumb bath bombs, candles lit and some loud Adele playing and LOVE yourself!!

This world is so big and our lives are so short. Please remember

YOU are enough.

YOU are loved.

YOU are amazing!

Love yourself.

Living as a 20 whatever the eff

 

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Let me start with this… I’m a single mom and in my twenties. When they say the struggle is real, HAHAHA aren’t they right! Two jobs, a 3 year old daughter and still trying to have a fun life. It’s like if you were to get in a car accident and receive the worst whiplash you could ever imagine! Even then that might be an understatement.

If you are reading this right now and surviving as a single mom or being in your twenties or both, fucking props to you! My life is a train wreck! Definitely surviving and loving every minute of it but oh boy do I love pulling over on the side of the road to let out a good cry, or hiding in the bathroom sitting on the floor eating expensive dove dark chocolates, also crying!!

This is not what life prepared me for. Not one single bit. I am so GRATEFUL for it though. I wouldn’t change one thing, other than to be rich, have a nanny and a maid, and my own movie theater in my 8 bedroom house. Other than that I’m pretty content.

So here’s to us! Surviving.