Begging you.

But it was never just about that.

It was and always has been so much more. I want you to love me so badly… I feel as if I can taste it. Those words linger on the tip of my tongue daily. I look at you, every flaw and every beautiful feature that lies upon your face and all that wants to slip from my mouth are those words.

To tell you that I love you.

To tell you that I would be ever so grateful for every bad and good moment that I was able to spend with you. I would keep them so close to my heart. I could have left by now. I could have kissed your lips so fiercely and told you goodbye for the last time and meant it. No matter the sadness and anger that would soon follow.

But I persevered with loving you. I’m still here. I’m choosing to stay. I CHOOSE TO STAY. Begging you to give me one hour, one day, one week to just prove to you that I could be that person. Your person. Let me be your person. I’m begging you to just let me stay. Even if just for a minute.

Patience.

The capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset

Synonyms: Fortitude, Resignation, Endurance, Sufferance, Forbearance, Tolerance,           Self-Restraint 

Reading the word itself I feel a rush of anger and sadness pass through me. I convince myself that I couldn’t possibly have more patience than I already do. The harsh reality is that I don’t have enough, not even close. To be able to posses the amount I desire so badly would be so emotionally freeing. It would give me a sense of peace. I wouldn’t feel so frustrated and worn out. 

They say patience is taught. They encourage you to learn how to gain it. How could I possibly teach myself to have patience? How do I even begin? At what point in my life did it become such a heavy topic? When did I start to lack patience? How did I let it slip from me? 

As I sit here writing this…. it hit me. I’m still learning. I’m my worst enemy. I constantly criticize myself and let my frustrations get in the way of all my happiness. That being said, I am the best at self destructing. You wouldn’t know it. I am the happiest girl in the room. People tell me I have that smile, the one that gives light to the room, the one that makes your day instantly better, the one that makes others smile. I have so much love for others, I despise the thought of being angry. I don’t like to hurt people or see them sad. I love the broken ones and try my hardest to make them feel loved and worthy. The part where I become most impatient is trying to figure out who is supposed to take care of me. Who is there to love me through it all, whose smile is there for me waiting to make me smile. I don’t want to wait, I deserve it now.

“Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve”

In the end I chose to wait. I choose to wait. I made the decision to have self-restraint and teach myself to have more patience. I want to feel that sense of peace and gratitude that comes with it. I want to learn to love and live in the moment that I am given. To be able to know that what i’m waiting for is more than worth it. They say that with more patience comes this liberating breath that you’ve longed to take. I want that breath.

Take a breath sweet girl…

“Patience is more than simply learning to wait, it is having learned what is worth your time”

Waiting for the Sun to Shine

But once in a while, you pick the right thing, the exact best thing. Every day, the moment you open your eyes and pull off your blankets, that’s what you hope for. The sunshine on your face,warm enough to make you heart sing.

It always happened as soon as the sun would first touch her face…

The warmth and hope that came along with it made her feel a sense of comfort that she had never felt before. Just sitting there, eyes closed, her heart open. It made her feel as if she was given a brand new start. As if it took everything bad away, every negative thought and feeling. Tomorrow she could wake up, walk outside, and the sun would just wrap it’s arms around her and she would feel at peace. She would be okay. She was given this brand new day, how lucky

Carry your heart through this world like a life-giving sun

How easy it is to say that you would put the past behind and any memory that no longer benefited you. How easy it is to wake up and tell yourself that YOU would make yourself feel happy and loved. How easy would that be?

But nobody said that it would be easy.

Constantly in the middle of your heart and your mind. The worst war you will ever know. Your mind telling you that you’re smarter and stronger, begging you to run. Your heart convincing you that you will never know until you let yourself be so vulnerable and that every wall you worked so hard to build, all that time and effort, all those lonely nights, just let them go. Chase this because you deserve to know. Open up. Be vulnerable. Let it in. Your mind always screaming no, your heart begging you to please just this last time say yes.

All of a sudden, you let your heart win the battle. You put all your faith and effort into it and tell yourself it will be the last time. No amount of concern or distrust could stop it. She would let her heart lead the way because she was convinced that it would lead her down the right path. It would give her the chance to have that something, that easy and effortless something. Wholesome and kind. She told herself it would be different this time. She wanted it this way. For this was without a doubt the last time she would let her heart choose. The last time she would throw away any insecurity and just be her truest self. The last time she would allow anyone to make her feel safe and sound. She would make sure it was the absolute LAST time. She had to. She needed to. And God knows she deserved to feel it and find out if her heart was right.

But tomorrow and the next day and the day after that she will wake up, walk outside, feel the sun hit her face and choose to let herself feel. Feel every moment and just live in it. Let her heart guide the way every second. Even if it let her down. She deserved to know. She deserved to be happy if only for a tiny moment. She would never forget that the sun will go down every night just to rise again so bright and warm every single day. There will never be a “last time”.

Doubt thou the stars are fire, Doubt that the sun doth move. Doubt truth to be a liar, But never doubt I love.

This One Is For You. JM.

“You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you ,leaving a part of yourself behind.”

I want this to be for you only. I want you to read this and leave this page with a full heart. Oh how I wish I could see you read it. See the expressions on your face as you do. How amazing to see and know that you love something as simple as the words I wrote just for you.

You have so much faith in me. You have never made me feel unworthy or unloved. God made you so perfectly, he took his time and made sure you were one of the good ones. The best ones. Whenever I am with you, I am untouchable. I can sit next to you and feel the love between us and it’s like nothing I’ve ever known before. I wanted you to know that I would do anything to have you right next to me forever. You came into my life and it was like it was meant to be from the start. You gave me so much hope, you still do. Never did I think I could be loved the way that you have loved me. Nobody and I mean nobody has ever shown me that kind of love.

I believe you will find your way. You will find a way out and a new found love for yourself even. At least I pray you do. In another life we would be together, side by side, with that kind of love you beg God for, the kind other people witness and see hope for their own life too. I want you to read these words and know that I won’t give that up. I won’t give you up. I will find my back to you. I will always find my way back to you. Read that again. I will ALWAYS FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU. God didn’t give us this for a little glimpse or a taste of what love looks like. He gave us each other for a reason. Please do what you need and be the amazing man that you are and I promise to be the best version of myself. With you by my side I know I can do anything.

I love you mostest. Always. I promise to be good.

There are no Goodbyes for us… Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart

This New Life.

I sat down a million times to write, not one time could I form a sentence without tears pouring down my cheeks. It’s so hard, no…..not hard, almost impossible to explain what my heart and my head feel. But this time it’s different, it feels like for once theyre on the same page. Sadness. It’s the word to describe all that I feel in my heart and it’s the same word to describe the thoughts that flow through my mind. I dont want to write about sad things, I don’t want to feel it, I don’t want to ever admit it. But for now I know ultimately it’s all I know. 

I would be lying if I said all my days were like that. They arent. Some are good, some great, but at the end of it all I miss what I had, I miss who I had. Some things aren’t enough though, I miss who I was. Not the person I was a few months ago, but the girl who smiled at everything. The girl who loved and never let anything bring her down. The girl who had so many goals and dreams. The girl who stayed up all night writing and laughing at the people around her, loving everything about them flawed and all, being thankful for them because they made life better. Not the girl who was a wreck, but she still smiled, she was oh so good at that. I remember listening to people talk about life at the little dive bar I worked at and it was one of my favorite places to be, the stories I was given a chance to listen to was one of the best parts about it. I had so many regulars who had experienced so many things who loved the person I was and I was so grateful for that. They made it all worth it. I loved getting to know people. It was such a beautiful opportunity to hear about their lives and what made them who they are today, all the good and bad. 

I can’t even tell you what happened to me. Im not even sure when it started to happen. I just know it did and I ran away from it so fast. I couldn’t let it take away everything from me. I couldn’t let it consume every fiber of my being. I’ve been through too much. It hurt so much. I’m not even sure how I got to the place I am right now. I just did it. I didn’t even blink. I packed everything I could. I made sure my daughter would have the perfect life I promised her before she was even here. I owe that to her. She deserves that. I cried for 16 hours straight almost. How did I do this. How did I let this happen to me. I worked so hard to be where I was. So hard. I let people take it from me. They took so much it felt as if I was left there just completely depleted. 

I dont know what else to say. I have so much to say. I just can’t seem to let it completely go. It’s almost as if a part of me is scared to. But I want to so badly…. Just hang tight. I promise I will let it all go but for now this is the best I can do. 

“You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place, like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way again.”

 

 

 

Finding You.

It wasn’t supposed to be easy. Nobody promised that to you….but they did tell you that when you were blessed enough to find it to never let go. That it would be the best feeling you have ever known. They were so right.

I hope to never let this go, to let him go, to never lose the amount of love I feel in this very moment. He takes me to higher places. He is the love I prayed for, he is the exact man I prayed for and even more.  I never saw it coming and I definitely didnt go searching for it, in fact I gave up on that thought so long ago. Where did you come from my sweet love? What did i do to deserve this? Putting what my heart feels into words right now seems almost impossible. I don’t feel as if there are even words big enough to describe it.

I could have ran from it, it was actually my first thought to do exactly that and now here it is right in front of me. It’s mine. I want to close the whole world off and just look at him for an hour or two. It isn’t perfect, the love we have, its ugly sometimes. It isnt sweet red roses on the bed and sunny days, but it’s real. That right there is enough. I want to shelter it and protect it. I want to capture every easy day and pull through every storm of hardship. I want to lay next to him every night and trust that he wont hurt me or leave, and God willing I hope he does the same. I want to be his someone.

That’s your fairy tale. This is your castle.
Now move in. Build a home. Build a house. Build a safety around things you love.
It’s yours if you make it so.

“Welcome home, sweet girl, it will be all be fine.”

 

VESSEL

THE VESSEL

I want this ship to take me somewhere my heart can breathe.

Somewhere alone is okay because I am never fully alone with him by my side.

I want to go where the sun heals me, takes everything bad as it kisses my skin.

But at night the stars show me it’s okay to dream and make a thousand wishes that might not come true. I’m okay with that.

Take me to the place where I learn to love every being of myself.

Take me to the place where I feel everything and appreciate it.

Take me as I am and when you take me back home please let me be a new deserving, hopeful, healed person.

Let this vessel love me and show me how to love…not one single thing, but EVERYTHING.